I do not want my grief to go away, to dissolve. I do not want to get rid of it.

I just want it to be locked up in the box, deep inside me, so that I can go about the day smiling and wishing people 'Good Day'.

But when I am alone, I want to open that box and then slowly that grief flows through my blood , my being and overpowers me, like the alcohol and I get drunk on it and soak in it.

The next morning, I wake up with its hangover but  will put my make up back on face with kohl lined eyes when I open the door of my appt., my grief is carefuly locked away again so the rays of the rising sun cant touch it or the laughter of the children cant hurt it.

It is safe and loved and cherished.

Balance

Everytime you reach close to any goal that you have set for yourself, you realise that its not enough, there's a long path ahead of whatever you had set to achieve in the first place, that destination is not as beautiful as you had imagined, its muddled with its own problems or rusty inside or completely unlivable and then you realise that your journey is not over here, you have to keep moving on.

I was always a person who was extremely self conscious, under confident and very sensitive. so much so that I would be hurt by body language of a person or some perceived negative hints from people. I used to look at people who were confident , you know those who are born confident, who do not take no for an answer or are not afraid of rejection and arent even bogged down or haunted by rejections.

I always wanted to be one of those people, ultra confident. i used to wonder confidence was the key to everything, all my personality problems so I worked hard on developing my confidence. boosting myself, with help of encouraging friends, books yes right those self help books, I developed my confidence upto a very high level.

At this level, I realised that absolute confidence, just like under confidence is also not good. The naturally confident people who never doubt themselves are very much in the danger of becoming foolish. Self doubt has its own value. When you doubt yourself once in a while you strive to improve yourself. When I thought I was not a good conversationalist, I attributed that fact to my not having confidence but with that I realised that I should also have something to say in every situation, so I started reading up, watching news and generally trying to acquire more knowledge on the subjects and then watching and learning from the people that I admired as great conversationalists.

When you are absolutely confident, you become self absorbed. Its easy for these people to fall in the ditch of 'I am awesome as I am'. Then I wonder, if people who never doubt themselves also never try to become better as a person. Is it possble that in the long run they just end up foolish and hollow.

When I was at the precipice of becoming that confident person, a person who is sure of herself all of the time.  I realised I did not want to be that person, my self doubt, my questioning my own self has made me the person that I am today. And If I become too sure of myself how long is it before I turn into the narcissistic slob who is too full of herself.

Like everything else in life, its all about balance. A balance of assured confidence and still nurturing that self doubt. Not a crippling self doubt but a more evolved self doubt, which will drive you to continuous learning.

So the next path I am on now is seeking balance of this two.

I am also very sure that when I get to this destination I will see my next from there. but right now my word of the day, week, month or year is 'Balance'.